| Positive Solutions Mediation ● Counselling ● Training __________________ |
CHILDREN - RESPONSES TO DIVORCE AND NEEDS
Notes from J. Haynes & S. Charlesworth, Fundamentals of Family Mediation, Sydney, Federation Press 1996
Pre-School (3 - 5)
- Increased fear can be expressed by crying when a parent leaves/returns - child striving for
autonomy when separation anxiety high. - Both parents need to be available on a regular basis - be on time.
- Likely to wake at night - parents need to spend time dealing with anxieties - gentle talk and
reassurance helpful. - Regression likely - return to old toy, security blanket, regression in toilet training - accept modified
development. - Increased aggression towards peers, siblings, parents - provide care and firm guidelines without
criticism. - May try to avoid going to kindergarten.
Young School (6 - 8)
- Sadness - boys tend to increase crying - need permission to experience sadness - yearning for
other parent. - Boys strongly loyal to absent father - may give resident mother a difficult time.
- Resident parent can acknowledge child misses other parent - provide a time frame for next visit
with the other parent - same calendar on refrigerator door at each parents' home showing
schedule of times. - Aggression usually inhibited with absent parent - expressed towards resident parent - loyalty
conflicts.
Middle School (9 - 12)
- Peer group important - contact and residence arrangements should recognise this.
- Child continues to idealise absent parent.
- Physical responses include headaches, stomach aches, allergies (these permit child to stay at home
to be with a parent). - See things in black and white - may align with one parent or loyalty may result in demand for
precise equality in time with each. - Teachers report day-dreaming - thought and concern about other parent.
Adolescents (13 - 18)
- Financial concerns - anger expressed in hassles with resident parent.
- Sexual confusion of age group increased by a parent's new sexual activity.
- Loyalty conflicts - laying the blame.
- Emerging sense of identity needs to be protected by both parents.
- Contact arrangements can be more flexible but parents need to require clear accountability for
whereabouts. - Strategic withdrawal to bedroom normal.